There’s something you want. And you think to yourself, “Once I get it, everything’s gonna change!”
And you get it. Boom. You feel fantastic. Your brain does a little victory lap around the inside of your skull.
But the feeling doesn’t last. The magic gradually fades away.
So what do you do then? “Well, uh, I must have wanted the wrong thing! A different thing will do the trick. A better thing.” A different job, car, relationship, country. And once you get this thing, oh, this one’s gonna do it. So the cycle begins again…
You’ve done this countless times. So have I. Doesn’t work. What’s the deal?
We like to think that if we get what we want, we’ll be happy. I mean, it’s obvious, right? That’s why you want it.
Wrong. Because, often, you didn’t pick the things you want. They’re not your desires. You caught them just like you catch a cold, a yawn or your mom’s tone of voice coming out of your mouth in a squabble you told yourself you’d handle better.
“That’s silly. I decide what I want. I have preferences.”
You independently decided to appreciate quarter-zip sweaters and Pilates in the same fiscal quarter that all your friends did? What an amazing coincidence. Alert the statistics department.
And this is the reason we need to have a little talk about René Girard. No, he didn’t study psychology. He made his name in literature, the place where humans reveal themselves by pretending to be fictional.
He read Proust, Cervantes, Stendahl, Dostoevsky, all those dusty classics about European folks having feelings in carriages. And in those books, he saw the same wiring under the floorboards every time: people wanted the stuff everybody else wanted. They all copied each other relentlessly and were so very sure that what they wanted was totally original.
And eventually science realized the lit professor was on to something: yeah, your desires are often a group project.
I don’t mean to sound judgy. Some stuff other people want is worth wanting. And some people are definitely worth mimicking. Thing is, if wanting is contagious, we might wanna be aware of what we’re catching.
We spend a lot of time worrying we won’t get what we desire. But that’s not the worst outcome. The worst outcome is spending your whole life chasing (and maybe even getting) something you never really wanted in the first place.
René Girard is the author of “Deceit, Desire, and the Novel” and “Things Hidden Since the Foundation of the World.” We’ll also get some help from Luke Burgis’ “Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.”
Let’s get to it…
Figure Out Who’s Picking Your Desires
Girard has this concept he calls The Romantic Lie. You experience it as saying, “I’ve always appreciated vintage ceramics.” (Oh c’mon. You only started caring about them twenty-four seconds after seeing one in an Instagram reel.)
His other big idea was The Novelistic Truth. Simply put: our desires are usually borrowed.
Vintage ceramics may be great and totally worth wanting, but the excitement you feel? That came from somebody else. To be clear, this whole process usually happens unconsciously. Imitated desire doesn’t show up like, “Hi, I’ve been installed here by that popular co-worker.” No, it makes you say, “This is who I am.”
Why do we do this? Psychologist Leon Festinger realized that humans don’t have an objective way to know how they’re doing. Nobody gets an Adulthood Report Card that says:
- Marriage: A-
- Job: Needs Improvement
- House: Far too many visible cables
- Health: D+; see me after class
- Final Grade: Acceptable but not nearly as good as Denise
With no objective metric, we look to others to learn what defines success…
And now you understand why happiness often seems so slippery.
We’re social creatures. It’s through other people that we learn to work, love, play and eat non-poisonous fruit. The problem is unconscious imitation. When we unknowingly mimic others and lead ourselves astray. So what should we do?
Think about something you want. Ask: “Who taught me this is worth wanting?” Don’t ask, “Why do I want this?” That turns on the rationalization machine in your brain. You’ll tell yourself you want that beach body because of “health” (and somehow health requires people being impressed when you come out of the pool).
Maybe a friend’s marriage made you want a loving relationship. Maybe a professor at school made you want to study business. That’s fine.
Now ask the second question. The uglier question: “Whose achievements irritate me?” Yeah, this one’s not as fun. Because the people we envy have a bigger say in what we desire than we’d like to admit.
(To learn ancient wisdom’s 5 secrets to a good life, click here.)
This is a powerful exercise, but Girard’s rabbit hole goes much deeper…
You’re Actually Chasing A Person
We think we’re just hustling after things, but Girard says, nope, we’re usually chasing people. (Not literally. Please don’t chase people. There are laws.)
We don’t actually want the career as much as we want to feel successful like the person we saw with it. Girard calls these people “models.”
And that’s why we often feel let down when we get something we want. Getting the car gets you a car. It doesn’t turn you into the person in the Super Bowl ad who seems to have solved all their problems by driving through the mountains at dawn. No item sold on Amazon has the ability to perform a life transplant.
So look at the thing you’re lusting after and ask, “What do I believe this thing will do for me?” If your response is “make me work more efficiently” or “make me more comfortable,” that’s great.
The problem is if the answer is “make me somebody everybody respects” or “make me feel okay about myself” because then you’re outside the realm of what consumer goods can deliver.
(To learn the 5 secrets to overcoming burnout, click here.)
Many people think our problems are caused by imitating celebrities. Maybe sometimes, but they’re not the people you really need to worry about…
Focus On Your Peers
Unconscious imitation gets really unhealthy when it turns into rivalry, and you’re not going to experience rivalry with someone you only see on a screen.
So where do those pulsing envious desires come from? The answer is…
Greg.
You have a Greg at the office. A Greg in the neighborhood. A Greg who was cool in college and keeps popping up on social media. Your peers. The person who makes your inner voice say, “Hold on a second… They’re pretty much me! So why the heck do they have the glowing spouse and the chill disposition of somebody who actually knows where their passport is?”
Rivalry pops up when it’s someone close enough to you that the voice in your head says, “That would’ve been you if you hadn’t screwed everything up.”
Researchers Boyce, Brown and Moore did a study to figure out what makes people feel good about their lives. Wasn’t money; it was rank. You can quadruple your income and still feel lousy if all your peers quintuple how much they make.
So ask yourself, “Who is my scoreboard? How do I feel after I see them?” If you see their post announcing a promotion and it makes you want to work harder, great.
But if you start imagining French-revolution-style beheadings, get some distance. Mute their posts. And if you can’t avoid them, emotionally demote them. Don’t let them become Curator-General of Your Desires. They don’t get to decide what your life means.
(To learn how to get unstuck, click here.)
Obviously, you can’t avoid everyone. But if you’re up for it, there’s a better way…
Turn Envy Into Apprenticeship
The problem is that people we envy often become the models for who we want to be. Instead of merely wanting the stuff they have, we start wanting the things they want.
And this is where life can get incredibly stupid.
Girard referred to the phenomenon as “mimetic doubles”: the closer the rivals get, the more similar they become. You’ve seen other people do this, locked in an arms race that’s ridiculous to everyone but the two participants. And you don’t want to go there.
You become possessed by someone you hate. Not possessed like in the horror movies with jerky movements and speaking in Latin. It’s more of a suburban demon that just keeps whispering, “Why aren’t you doing better than them?”
Once you need someone to lose, they own you. They decide; you follow. And even if you win, the prize at the bottom of the cereal box is you turning into them. Never allow rivalry to transform you into a tribute act to someone you hate.
Look, I’d love to just say, “Stop being envious.” But that’s advice for imaginary people who never look at social media while tired. Research shows comparing ourselves to others is automatic and we have to consciously work to overcome it.
But there’s a better solution: learn something from your envy. Envy sucks but it sure as heck isn’t random. Envy points at stuff and says, “This matters a LOT to you.”
But instead of getting hung up on how undeserving your rival is, ask the constructive question: “What can I learn from this if I stop needing them to lose?”
Your rival didn’t steal your dream life. But if you keep letting them decide what matters, well, they won’t need to.
Learn from them. Yes, I know they’re a jerk. But something they’re doing is important to you. So what are they doing well? And how can you develop that skill? Are they better at making friends? Better at completing things on time?
Learn the skill and drop the drama. Because if your success requires them to fail, you’re still bound to them.
(To learn how to handle conflict like history’s master strategist, click here.)
You can go a long way toward freeing yourself from unconscious desire. But you’re not going to stop wanting. So how do we do it better?
Want Better
Luke Burgis makes the distinction between thin desires and thick ones. Thin desires are status-soaked and unstable. They demand an audience. The new job title. The fancy jacket.
Thick desires go deeper. Being a good friend. Getting better at a hobby. Unfortunately, thick desires don’t photograph quite as well as thin ones. You’re not going to get 1000 likes on five years of gradually turning yourself into a kinder human being. But thick desires have value when nobody’s watching.
Making status the most important thing in your life doesn’t go well. Psychologist Tim Kasser found that people who structure their lives around money and fame aren’t as happy as people focused on relationships and personal growth.
Thin desires are “positional goods.” They have value because of where they rank you relative to others. But that makes them inherently rivalrous. They lose value if other people get them.
I hate to bring math into this because math has harmed many of us personally, but it’s relevant. Everybody cannot be number one. If someone is the richest or hottest, everyone else isn’t. What’s the chance you’ll be (and stay) number one? And what will it cost you? So pursue thick desires. They’re not zero-sum.
Now let’s not turn this into purity theater. Most things aren’t just thin or just thick. They’re a mix and that’s fine. The point is to be aware of the proportion. How much of what you’re wanting is about living a life that you’d enjoy independent of everything else? Annnnnd how much of it comes from that little voice asking, “But is everybody going to be impressed?”
The litmus test is asking yourself, “Would I still want it if nobody ever knew I got it?”
(To learn the counterintuitive way to get better at anything, click here.)
You’ve abandoned the rivalries and picked thick desires. One final step…
Pick Better Heroes
We’re still going to look to others to know what’s important. The question is who you look to.
So from now on, when someone impresses you ask, “What do they make me want?”
Maybe they make you want to look cool and get the admiration of strangers. Hmm. Be careful. Handle with tongs.
Maybe they make you want to learn new skills or be a better person. Perfect.
You know what many of the best models have in common? Death. Seriously. Dead people always have that distance preventing them from becoming a rival. They’re not going to do something that disappoints you (because they won’t be doing anything at all). They’re not going to start a line of dumb supplements or humblebrag on LinkedIn about their new job. Death may, in fact, be the best social media strategy.
Oh, and find more than one model. Having a single all-consuming hero is called “being in a cult.” Build yourself a council of mentors. A brain trust that trains your desires and points you toward a multifaceted Better You.
(To learn the uncomfortable reason you keep self-sabotaging and how to stop, click here.)
Okay, we’ve learned a lot. Time to round it all up. And we’ll learn the final lesson. Yeah, it’s another thing you’d probably rather not think about, but in the big picture, it’s the most important of them all…
Sum Up
Here’s how to get what you really want…
- Figure Out Who’s Picking Your Desires: Babies aren’t born with a preference for vinyl records. Ask, “Who taught me this is worth wanting?”
- You’re Actually Chasing A Person: That object isn’t going to turn you into the guy or girl you saw with it. Yes, that’s unfair, which is how we describe life when it refuses to cooperate with marketing. Ask, “What do I believe this thing will do for me?”
- Focus On Your Peers: Don’t worry about celebrities. This is all Greg’s fault. Ask, “Who is my scoreboard? How do I feel after I see them?”
- Turn Envy Into Apprenticeship: Ask, “What can I learn from this if I stop needing them to lose?” Turn envy into data. Isolate the trait you need to learn and lose the need to see them fail.
- Want Better: Thick over thin. Ask, “Would I still want it if nobody ever knew I got it?”
- Pick Better Heroes: Ask, “What do they make me want?” Dead models are the best. They do have their limitations, though: you won’t be meeting for coffee.
Final thing to keep in mind?
You’re a model too. Yup. Consciously or unconsciously, others notice what you chase or roll your eyes at. And those things affect them.
Sure, tell your kids that being a good person is the most important thing, but if the only time you perk up is when they win, that will be noted. Children are the ultimate anthropologists. They’re constantly studying the tribe to find out who the true gods are.
You are someone else’s scoreboard, someone else’s algorithm. Your admiration and envy affect the people around you. But so do your principles and ethics. It’s all contagious, good and bad.
So, final question: “What are the people around me learning to desire?”
We laugh at young people because they’re always copying each other’s slang and clothes. Then we turn into adults and copy each other’s cars and homes. The teenage version at least has better music.
Borrowing desires is inevitable, but we can be better about it if we try. Every now and then, check which voice in your head is telling you what to want.
It’s your skull, after all. You should get a say about who lives in it.
